Thank you! I’ll be in touch like soooooo quickly, I check my email all the time, trust me. I actually won a world record in email response time, can you believe that? Don’t look that up though. I mean, it is a real record, trust me, but like don’t waste your time looking that up. Go for a walk or something, feed some birds, catch up on Real Housewives. It’s funny, that reminds me of this time I was feeding the birds some bread at the park, but of course, I forgot the bread. Silly me. I’m already at the park, and I don’t feel like walking all the way home, you know? So I went to a Quiznos down the street. Is Quiznos still a thing? Look that up, I’m curious. You’re allowed to look that one up. Anyway, I’m the only person in this empty-ass Quiznos, and I ask if it’s possible for me to just buy a couple of wheat rolls so I can break them apart for the birds. But of course, their register system doesn’t have a button for just bread. So I had to order three classic Italian subs on wheat bread with just Swiss cheese on them. And of course, all I really wanted was the bread, since historically, birds do not have a reputation for eating Swiss cheese. So now, in addition to my three rolls, I have about sixteen slices of Swiss cheese in my hand, and what am I supposed to do? Eat sixteen slices of Swiss cheese? Do you think there’s a world record for most consecutive slices of Swiss cheese consumed? Maybe look that up too while you’re at it. Anyway, I’m back at the park at this point. I’ve got my rolls, I’ve got my cheese, I’m ready to go. Now here’s where it gets interesting. I’m waiting for some birds to show up, right? And I’m waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting. And I’m really chilly because it’s the middle of December. That’s when it hits me, birds fly south for the winter! Oh, I felt like such a goober. Forget whatever project you’re hiring for, this would be a great movie, don’t you think? It’s like waiting for Godot. Waiting for Goosedot. Waiting for…Glossy Black Cockatoo? Oh, I’ve got it. Waiting for Gododo. Don’t steal that, okay? I’m really really proud of that. Or if you do, at least cast me in it. Promise? Pinky promise? I’m pinky promising my screen right now, so I’m going to assume you’re doing the same. And a pinky promise is bound by blood, so I better not see Waiting for Gododo premiering Off-Broadway next year. Who am I kidding? That’s going straight to Broadway. I guess if you really think about it, everything that isn’t on Broadway is technically Off-Broadway. Like, wherever you’re reading this, you’re Off-Broadway. Unless you are reading this from Broadway. In that case, I will gladly accept the role of Rum Tum Tugger. My team will be in touch regarding my dressing room negotiations. Those whiskers aren’t going to paint themselves, am I right? I’m actually allergic to cats, which I unfortunately learned after I moved with a cat during college. I spent so much on allergy medication. Woof. Or should I say meow? I feel like dogs don’t actually say woof when they bark, but cats definitely say meow. What were we talking about? Oh yeah, Quiznos. Like, I think they’re still around? Honestly, I can’t name the last time I’ve been inside a Quiznos or even seen one on the street. I don’t even really go to Subway that much, but if I had to choose between the two, I’d probably go with Subway. So in summary, thanks for reaching out! I check my email pretty often…sometimes. It’s just hard to keep up with everything because I’m constantly receiving offers and self-tape requests, no biggie. Thanks for your interest in me. I’ll keep things interesting for you.

How to hunt me down